What do I need?

Honestly, I have no fucking idea.

The past few days have been an odd conflation of UP and down. UP due to wonderful houseguests - self maintaining, easy to get along with, etc. despite one being in a bit of a funk. The flip side: I am seriously overtired and out of synch foodwise, and I am really pent up horny in a way that doesn't roll around too often. Add to that I have a major sink clog in the kitchen - you get the idea.

It has led me to a place of wondering what I need.

Part of that stems from a relationship. Lover is wonderful - soft, warm, kind, loving, attentive... and she has 3 other BFs besides me. Yeah, I have processed jealousy. Been through it. I know it still appears. But this is not about that.

It's about my needs not being met, and, in a parallel fashion, having this weight of knowing, or at least feeling, that her interest in me, sexually, is low. Yeah, we do it, we have scened, may again, we have fucked, may again, but it is not enough for me somehow. I want her to want me deeply, and the lands me cultural jail (or perhaps cultural hell). I have this bizarre internal image of me fucking her to next Tuesday, drilling her hard until she gives it up and then she tells me, pantingly, "more" and I give it to her. I HATE this image. IT is part of a set of cultural baggage I cannot abide. But it's there. Like asore, it festers in my head and won't leave.

And I don't trust that as an image of "what I need". At times, maybe. More times, nope, not even close.

So what DO I "need"?

Someone to talk to. But that raises other problems. Like, if there is someone around that is available to talk, then if they are intimates, the talk is constrained. If they are not, the closeness is compromised.

Sleepy