Reflections

It's been a really bumpy month. Following a really nice visit with my sister right after Christmas, I returned and got hammered by a flu. In very short order thereafter, I then wound up getting results from a doctor visit that were not so fun: I have bladder cancer. He insisted on doing the surgical stuff right away - which wound up being immediately prior to an already planned and paid for visit to my brother.

But in I went. And it was not fun. I was in the hospital for 5 days. They removed a largish tumor from the bladder, put me on a drip, added a catheter. I began a recovery process that was, to say the least, memorable. I wound up with something called 'ilius', a condition fairly common in patients who get full anesthesia, whereby your entire intestinal and digestive system simply go to sleep. This is a miserable fucking experience. You blow up like a balloon. You have to walk to "wake it up". You stop eating real food. When things do start happening, which for me was SLOW, the results are not fun either. Let's just say that I was thinking that all that methane? Mighta helped alleviate the energy crisis. I did begin to pull out of this, but that was after a serious nose dive into a black hole - I was really wanting a DNR, and they finally sent in an advocate who talked me off the ledge. Over the 5 days, I did recover, but it was hard. I would up also with a really painful area in my left groin, sort of like having a knife shoved in there. IT's now numb, and feels like a cut, but isn't. It's very disconcerting, to say the least.

And I did, obviously, survive that hospital stay.

I now have 6 chemo treatments coming up. Then I have a recheck (they drive yet ANOTHER school bus up my peepee and look around!) in June or July. The prognosis seems to be good now, but this will be a lifelong thing for me. I've also realized that, among the options for more serious cases in which, well, it gets nasty, I have decided I will not go to that extreme. When the body is that far gone - it's time. I'm not there now, and may never be, but this experience does cause some deep reflection.

The emotional fallout is really hard too. I was really taken aback when X was the person who figured out I needed serious help and called in the advocate. She was impressive and sat with me the whole next day. I also got wonderful support from others- CPG, BTB, Bro, Sis, -and all of that is deeply felt. The odd part about the emotional stuff, though, started after it was over.

It's not uncommon either. I feel defective. Damaged. Broken. There is no scar, but my head is not clear on this at all. I'm only missing "sick" parts of me, but I feel like I lost something larger. I was really scared about sex, and that whole part of my self-identification fell apart. It's only now beginning to recover.

I've since had conversations with sis (breast cancer survivor), a dear friend (wife survived Hodgkins AND breast cancer) and found that this post operative emotional scarring is common. It was really powerful to get to know my sister on that level - I'd know about her cancer, of course, but not about the post stuff, the numbness, the feeling of being broken. It's really odd and at times I feel I am coming apart, that life is over, why bother.

Then I have some good conversation, or a hug or a kiss and feel a little more whole again. It's hard all around. I don't want to be a burden to others. And I sure don't want pity per se. But I also know I need emotional support, and getting it is maybe more important than anything. It helps me normalize my life again, it is an outlet for odd, new feelings.

To the many in my life who have touched me: thank you. It's been a powerful healing process.

I'm not done with this. But at least for now, I seem to be ahead of it.

And one thing I did really get from the hospital stay.... There's a lot of stuff in life that's important. But, most of it is UNimportant. You learn, deeply, what matters. You learn to reach out for that and hold on to it. That matters. All that other crap? Doesn't matter.