Duality

(Fuck - the whold damn thing toasted due to browser and spell check)

A reconstructed memory from a failed entry (fucking spell checkers – I should have known!)

The entire male-female thing is a serious growth and discovery area for me. Certainly, I did not expect to find that as I did at camp, but it was there.

We exist as this odd binary: male OR female, not both, not neither. Challenges to this kind of authority are more common but still not codified in formal areas (law, commerce, governance). Step beyond this – you are currently on your own. This same duality is a mandate: be one or the other, not both. Conform. Fit in. Dress, speak, act, walk, fuck the part.

The duality of it all is a challenge. Even in a social aggregate where there are more than two – whether Hijra or Two Spirit, the predominance of the binary split that happens largely on biological lines is obvious. For cases that accept, even cultivate it, the recognition of the self as presented this way is still glued to the simple biological reality: gotta make more. And it can be that simple. “There are no rules, everything is made up”. Speaks true in culture as process, I think. Goffman’s Presentation of Self holds true to the extent that we can “get away with it”.



But for me, it is often a conundrum. From the tentative and often fearful experiments at 18, to now – that is serious progress. The self presents differently now, even among family and friends. There is still quite a lot of fear, but that is changing, albeit slowly. The kitschy jewelry and the erotics of body care are manifest to those who care to look, and that may be part of the oddity for me at least – the voluntary nature of it. You have to decide to look – it doesn’t slap you around the way others sometimes do (I understand they have to do that, but they surely recognize the sometimes confrontational nature of this act). I wonder often “does anyone see?”. Fear plays a role there, surely, especially with colleagues or family as-yet-unrevealed-to. But public? Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

And the discoveries at camp were quite amazing. Male encounters lead inevitably to a surge in sex energy: great erections, strong body, good physical strength (I surprised myself!). Female encounters were much deeper, not “prick centered” (hah I like that!), with a real internal flow that demanded a different kind of filling. And it was all validated from feedback, so I am quite certain it is not imagined. The hard cock in another mouth, the admired body and strength pumping in and out standing up or prone all to an audience. The pumping in and out on all fours, getting fucked deeply and pumped hard until I extracted the energy and it fell out onto the floor as a pained reply. And it was all at the same time, making it even more complicated.

One nice bennie to this: the little demon on the shoulder is calm, still jumping up and down, but not really demanding the same kind of attention as before. No doubt he will hang around, but I wonder (and note the gender referent to him here) if that is only the male energy. What manifestation is the female energy?

There is a distance to go with this.