More on this...
The internally imagined seems, on reflection, so much more potent, more fertile, more "real" in a peculiar sort of way.
But on "meeting the master" so to speak, I'm left more with a sense of "why?". Sometimes this is tangible: the potential person is not clean, not interesting, predatory (I got that!) or something else.
But at other times, it is entirely devoid of clarity. Looks good, scent is nice, attitude feels right. What is missing?
The small group scene I encountered in the cabin was a good example. Nice looking, interesting, I was even "invited". There was an aspect I was really drawn to. And yet.. I backed off, lost interest. Not at all sure why. This feels like the bridge between imagination and reality.
I wonder if some of this is conditioning: we see, hear, view and then imagine in our aloneness "what would that be like?" and then perhaps "that would be SO cool"... But the conditioning cannot and does not ever prepare us for our own emotional confrontation should we decide to step away from our mind and visit the body in real life.
Of course, it also might simply be the state of mind. Mine was odd, confounded, dealing with sadness and, then, grief.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Dark Odyssey reflections
Always an experience. Wow.
This time....
* The fine art of negotation, formerly eluding me, finally became clear. There are two parts - or so it would seem.
First is "ice breaking" - even thinking about getting to yes means going to a potential playmate and trying to find the courage to even ask. I did that. Felt good. And I was very fortunate - that individual was receptive, understanding, patient, open, warm, caring...
Second: Learning to ask for what you want. This feels like the negotiation proper, which it is, but it is more than that. It is getting past who you think you are, the persona that is out in front where everyone can see you, and reaching inside to find the courage to put what is really hiding inside out where another can see it. I don't think this is so easy.
* Erotics of self. This seemed so obvious. Alas, lessons learned. What I imagined as the erotic drive was imagined, but felt as though it would naturally flow from imagination to action. In the end, when faced with "do I? or don't I?", something quite different seems to happen. Imagined is trumped by a different force. Sometimes a conflation of fear and sense of needing to feel safe, other times a mix of desire and disgust... ultimately driven by a seemingly practical reality, and a recognition of "I really don't have that interest. Odd. But the good part is the recognition that the internal erotic engine is actually made stronger, better, more powerful through this.
* Catharsis. First caning and whipping - more. With heavy penetration. mm.
* Sadness and Grief. the highlight, oddly enough. I just could not wrap myself around the event this year. The month and half leading me there was really hard, and my seemingly "natural" proclivity for pulling myself into sadness was fully operational - I just could not pull out of it. But then a wonderful breakfast converation happened, and a dear friend pointed out to me the link between sadness and grief. It seems absurdly obvious now, but it was a revelation. What am I greiving? But it feels right. I need to "go deep" on this. Get fully in touch with it, and see if I can either discover what the seat of that grief is, or, even absent that, at least find out how to pass through it with out feeling like it is quicksand.
tbc....
This time....
* The fine art of negotation, formerly eluding me, finally became clear. There are two parts - or so it would seem.
First is "ice breaking" - even thinking about getting to yes means going to a potential playmate and trying to find the courage to even ask. I did that. Felt good. And I was very fortunate - that individual was receptive, understanding, patient, open, warm, caring...
Second: Learning to ask for what you want. This feels like the negotiation proper, which it is, but it is more than that. It is getting past who you think you are, the persona that is out in front where everyone can see you, and reaching inside to find the courage to put what is really hiding inside out where another can see it. I don't think this is so easy.
* Erotics of self. This seemed so obvious. Alas, lessons learned. What I imagined as the erotic drive was imagined, but felt as though it would naturally flow from imagination to action. In the end, when faced with "do I? or don't I?", something quite different seems to happen. Imagined is trumped by a different force. Sometimes a conflation of fear and sense of needing to feel safe, other times a mix of desire and disgust... ultimately driven by a seemingly practical reality, and a recognition of "I really don't have that interest. Odd. But the good part is the recognition that the internal erotic engine is actually made stronger, better, more powerful through this.
* Catharsis. First caning and whipping - more. With heavy penetration. mm.
* Sadness and Grief. the highlight, oddly enough. I just could not wrap myself around the event this year. The month and half leading me there was really hard, and my seemingly "natural" proclivity for pulling myself into sadness was fully operational - I just could not pull out of it. But then a wonderful breakfast converation happened, and a dear friend pointed out to me the link between sadness and grief. It seems absurdly obvious now, but it was a revelation. What am I greiving? But it feels right. I need to "go deep" on this. Get fully in touch with it, and see if I can either discover what the seat of that grief is, or, even absent that, at least find out how to pass through it with out feeling like it is quicksand.
tbc....
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