Honestly, I have no fucking idea.
The past few days have been an odd conflation of UP and down. UP due to wonderful houseguests - self maintaining, easy to get along with, etc. despite one being in a bit of a funk. The flip side: I am seriously overtired and out of synch foodwise, and I am really pent up horny in a way that doesn't roll around too often. Add to that I have a major sink clog in the kitchen - you get the idea.
It has led me to a place of wondering what I need.
Part of that stems from a relationship. Lover is wonderful - soft, warm, kind, loving, attentive... and she has 3 other BFs besides me. Yeah, I have processed jealousy. Been through it. I know it still appears. But this is not about that.
It's about my needs not being met, and, in a parallel fashion, having this weight of knowing, or at least feeling, that her interest in me, sexually, is low. Yeah, we do it, we have scened, may again, we have fucked, may again, but it is not enough for me somehow. I want her to want me deeply, and the lands me cultural jail (or perhaps cultural hell). I have this bizarre internal image of me fucking her to next Tuesday, drilling her hard until she gives it up and then she tells me, pantingly, "more" and I give it to her. I HATE this image. IT is part of a set of cultural baggage I cannot abide. But it's there. Like asore, it festers in my head and won't leave.
And I don't trust that as an image of "what I need". At times, maybe. More times, nope, not even close.
So what DO I "need"?
Someone to talk to. But that raises other problems. Like, if there is someone around that is available to talk, then if they are intimates, the talk is constrained. If they are not, the closeness is compromised.
Sleepy
Monday, April 13, 2009
Monday, March 09, 2009
Through a Glass Darkly
I'm really having issues around relationships these days. I crashed and burned REALLY badly this past weekend, feeling a deep sense of despair and rejection and a horrible sense of worthlessness. While a lot of the feelings appear to stem from a particular relationship, I'm not entirely convinced that it is that per se. Every time I try and analyze it,I seem to wind up in the same place: it comes from a deep seated sense of inadequacy. I'm puzzled and frustrated and even angry that it always seems to connect back to sex. Why is that? Why is it that the worst of the emotional freight train winds up there?
And each time I think I am past it, each time I feel like I am ok with her fucking someone else, some other, odd confusion of circumstance shows up that leads me away from that place of being ok. This time, it was around timing. I got sandwiched in between a call of being together and dinner/dance, that had her getting a great fuck in between that 2 hour window. On one level I am ok with it - pleasure is good, sharing is good, it's all fine. But I push my head into this sick little corner that says I am second fiddle, last, not desired simply beCAUSE of this. Part of me rejects it out of hand, and says I don't care if I feel that way, it makes no sense. But the larger and older and more powerful part of me takes over, reminding me that I am in fact undesirable, no good, not wanted, and that being last is part of who I have to be.
I went upstairs and cried really hard for half an hour. Inside I felt I wanted to reject ALL relationships, run away from ALL possibility of pain, and I tried this. I then texted and said don't contact me anymore. I think I was subconsciously reaching out past my broken, fucked up self, and wanting desperately for her to find that broken me and soothe it, come back to it. I feel disingenuous about that, a lie I cannot stop. I took it further, though, and sent that same note to another whom I love. Reject everything, the mind said, and avoid it all. "Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here" might as well have been the sign I had hanging on my head.
Funny how, after 24+ hours of reflection (which included me processing this with her over deep tears, as well as a passing remark after I apologized for being so fragile, that she thought we should probably talk about that) I am now entering some sort of anger phase. It's a kind perverse play on the Kubler-Ross stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. First for me in this case was depression, followed by bargaining, then some denial, and now I feel this odd anger. Who am I angry at? I think it is me, but am not so sure.
(return to this later. It is nice to finally have back something that is not read by others I know. IF you're passing through, please comment. I don't know you - it's safe)
And each time I think I am past it, each time I feel like I am ok with her fucking someone else, some other, odd confusion of circumstance shows up that leads me away from that place of being ok. This time, it was around timing. I got sandwiched in between a call of being together and dinner/dance, that had her getting a great fuck in between that 2 hour window. On one level I am ok with it - pleasure is good, sharing is good, it's all fine. But I push my head into this sick little corner that says I am second fiddle, last, not desired simply beCAUSE of this. Part of me rejects it out of hand, and says I don't care if I feel that way, it makes no sense. But the larger and older and more powerful part of me takes over, reminding me that I am in fact undesirable, no good, not wanted, and that being last is part of who I have to be.
I went upstairs and cried really hard for half an hour. Inside I felt I wanted to reject ALL relationships, run away from ALL possibility of pain, and I tried this. I then texted and said don't contact me anymore. I think I was subconsciously reaching out past my broken, fucked up self, and wanting desperately for her to find that broken me and soothe it, come back to it. I feel disingenuous about that, a lie I cannot stop. I took it further, though, and sent that same note to another whom I love. Reject everything, the mind said, and avoid it all. "Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here" might as well have been the sign I had hanging on my head.
Funny how, after 24+ hours of reflection (which included me processing this with her over deep tears, as well as a passing remark after I apologized for being so fragile, that she thought we should probably talk about that) I am now entering some sort of anger phase. It's a kind perverse play on the Kubler-Ross stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. First for me in this case was depression, followed by bargaining, then some denial, and now I feel this odd anger. Who am I angry at? I think it is me, but am not so sure.
(return to this later. It is nice to finally have back something that is not read by others I know. IF you're passing through, please comment. I don't know you - it's safe)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Desire
I’ve thought a lot about my desire and the nature of it – how it manifests itself, what it means to me, how I claim it and thus satisfy it. It is in some ways more mysterious now than before, which is odd given my new found proclivity to self-expression, outing, and the like. But here is what I think I really know.
I’m pretty well settled on the idea of “being both genders”. That is new to me, but I feel it deeply. At times, I feel a strong male force, at other times a strong female force. These manifest differently, and the nexus of my desire is surely mediated by how that force feels within me at a given moment. There was a time when being bisexual seemed to be “it”, and all that flowed from that felt like it was the real me. But of late, that sometimes seems more an ideology than a claimed, real identity, so I’ve let a lot of that go. I just don’t have a lot of interest in subscribing to ideologies. Being both is nice. I simply feel what I feel internally and enjoy the variety of expressions that can emerge. It only becomes a bit of a problem when I feel constraints: social, political, etc. There really are times when that expression must take a back seat to other concerns. But this too has not been a bother. I am secure in self-knowledge, at least along gender identity lines..
Things get decidedly more muddied once I step into the realm of my actual physical desires. On the one hand, I can easily apply the feeling of who I am at the moment to a thought process that lets me exercise those desires in my head. At the same time, it is not at all clear to me that I know what I want, or what is most deeply satisfying to me. That word – satisfy – is a problem. It is not simply “getting off”. I can do that alone and at times it is what I need. “Satisfy” often feels like a two-way street, something that depends on the ability to connect with a partner, deeply, and to have a chance to really let my duality out of the box, so to speak.
I think I have recognized that, to date, there has never been a physical experience that has really touched me inside in a way that speaks to the idea of “satisfy”. It’s not that those encounters I have had have somehow been deficient or wrong, or that the partners I’ve been with have been insufficient. It is more like there is a gap between what I am actually able to manifest as the whole me at that moment and the physical experience itself that I am having. As I think back on the many experiences I have had, I realize that many of them have been very strong and deep, but that no single experience comes close to reaching inside the whole me. The problem is I have no clear sense of what such an experience might even look like (or even if such experiences can exist at all). And, to further complicate things, I think it is possible that each encounter is, in part by it’s very nature (that of two or more together trying to encounter themselves through others), inherently self-limiting, that it will never be “complete” in the sense of meeting my (or others in that particular encounter) deeper desires. I’m not positive about this, of course, but it seems like this is a strong possibility. What, if anything, can be done?
One aspect of my desire in the context of it being a shared experience is that it seems inherently a matter of compromise. Unless we can truly claim to know ourselves in a way that facilitates that true deep connection (and if we cannot really know it alone, by ourselves, can we hope to know it in a shared context, in others?) then the process must somehow involve, even demand, give and take. To a certain extent, this seems likely to mean that one or more of the involved parties will be doing something that they don’t necessarily want to do. This is a decidedly gray line, broad and fizzy, because doing something one might not want to do is not always a matter of against one’s will entirely. And besides, the whole point of top/bottom, dominant/submissive is that same against the will thing. I’m not at all sure where any of this might lead, and it surely problematizes the matter. The best one can say, I guess, is that “against the will” is both a matter and willingness of clear communications and of negotiation.
I’m pretty well settled on the idea of “being both genders”. That is new to me, but I feel it deeply. At times, I feel a strong male force, at other times a strong female force. These manifest differently, and the nexus of my desire is surely mediated by how that force feels within me at a given moment. There was a time when being bisexual seemed to be “it”, and all that flowed from that felt like it was the real me. But of late, that sometimes seems more an ideology than a claimed, real identity, so I’ve let a lot of that go. I just don’t have a lot of interest in subscribing to ideologies. Being both is nice. I simply feel what I feel internally and enjoy the variety of expressions that can emerge. It only becomes a bit of a problem when I feel constraints: social, political, etc. There really are times when that expression must take a back seat to other concerns. But this too has not been a bother. I am secure in self-knowledge, at least along gender identity lines..
Things get decidedly more muddied once I step into the realm of my actual physical desires. On the one hand, I can easily apply the feeling of who I am at the moment to a thought process that lets me exercise those desires in my head. At the same time, it is not at all clear to me that I know what I want, or what is most deeply satisfying to me. That word – satisfy – is a problem. It is not simply “getting off”. I can do that alone and at times it is what I need. “Satisfy” often feels like a two-way street, something that depends on the ability to connect with a partner, deeply, and to have a chance to really let my duality out of the box, so to speak.
I think I have recognized that, to date, there has never been a physical experience that has really touched me inside in a way that speaks to the idea of “satisfy”. It’s not that those encounters I have had have somehow been deficient or wrong, or that the partners I’ve been with have been insufficient. It is more like there is a gap between what I am actually able to manifest as the whole me at that moment and the physical experience itself that I am having. As I think back on the many experiences I have had, I realize that many of them have been very strong and deep, but that no single experience comes close to reaching inside the whole me. The problem is I have no clear sense of what such an experience might even look like (or even if such experiences can exist at all). And, to further complicate things, I think it is possible that each encounter is, in part by it’s very nature (that of two or more together trying to encounter themselves through others), inherently self-limiting, that it will never be “complete” in the sense of meeting my (or others in that particular encounter) deeper desires. I’m not positive about this, of course, but it seems like this is a strong possibility. What, if anything, can be done?
One aspect of my desire in the context of it being a shared experience is that it seems inherently a matter of compromise. Unless we can truly claim to know ourselves in a way that facilitates that true deep connection (and if we cannot really know it alone, by ourselves, can we hope to know it in a shared context, in others?) then the process must somehow involve, even demand, give and take. To a certain extent, this seems likely to mean that one or more of the involved parties will be doing something that they don’t necessarily want to do. This is a decidedly gray line, broad and fizzy, because doing something one might not want to do is not always a matter of against one’s will entirely. And besides, the whole point of top/bottom, dominant/submissive is that same against the will thing. I’m not at all sure where any of this might lead, and it surely problematizes the matter. The best one can say, I guess, is that “against the will” is both a matter and willingness of clear communications and of negotiation.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Reflections
It's been a really bumpy month. Following a really nice visit with my sister right after Christmas, I returned and got hammered by a flu. In very short order thereafter, I then wound up getting results from a doctor visit that were not so fun: I have bladder cancer. He insisted on doing the surgical stuff right away - which wound up being immediately prior to an already planned and paid for visit to my brother.
But in I went. And it was not fun. I was in the hospital for 5 days. They removed a largish tumor from the bladder, put me on a drip, added a catheter. I began a recovery process that was, to say the least, memorable. I wound up with something called 'ilius', a condition fairly common in patients who get full anesthesia, whereby your entire intestinal and digestive system simply go to sleep. This is a miserable fucking experience. You blow up like a balloon. You have to walk to "wake it up". You stop eating real food. When things do start happening, which for me was SLOW, the results are not fun either. Let's just say that I was thinking that all that methane? Mighta helped alleviate the energy crisis. I did begin to pull out of this, but that was after a serious nose dive into a black hole - I was really wanting a DNR, and they finally sent in an advocate who talked me off the ledge. Over the 5 days, I did recover, but it was hard. I would up also with a really painful area in my left groin, sort of like having a knife shoved in there. IT's now numb, and feels like a cut, but isn't. It's very disconcerting, to say the least.
And I did, obviously, survive that hospital stay.
I now have 6 chemo treatments coming up. Then I have a recheck (they drive yet ANOTHER school bus up my peepee and look around!) in June or July. The prognosis seems to be good now, but this will be a lifelong thing for me. I've also realized that, among the options for more serious cases in which, well, it gets nasty, I have decided I will not go to that extreme. When the body is that far gone - it's time. I'm not there now, and may never be, but this experience does cause some deep reflection.
The emotional fallout is really hard too. I was really taken aback when X was the person who figured out I needed serious help and called in the advocate. She was impressive and sat with me the whole next day. I also got wonderful support from others- CPG, BTB, Bro, Sis, -and all of that is deeply felt. The odd part about the emotional stuff, though, started after it was over.
It's not uncommon either. I feel defective. Damaged. Broken. There is no scar, but my head is not clear on this at all. I'm only missing "sick" parts of me, but I feel like I lost something larger. I was really scared about sex, and that whole part of my self-identification fell apart. It's only now beginning to recover.
I've since had conversations with sis (breast cancer survivor), a dear friend (wife survived Hodgkins AND breast cancer) and found that this post operative emotional scarring is common. It was really powerful to get to know my sister on that level - I'd know about her cancer, of course, but not about the post stuff, the numbness, the feeling of being broken. It's really odd and at times I feel I am coming apart, that life is over, why bother.
Then I have some good conversation, or a hug or a kiss and feel a little more whole again. It's hard all around. I don't want to be a burden to others. And I sure don't want pity per se. But I also know I need emotional support, and getting it is maybe more important than anything. It helps me normalize my life again, it is an outlet for odd, new feelings.
To the many in my life who have touched me: thank you. It's been a powerful healing process.
I'm not done with this. But at least for now, I seem to be ahead of it.
And one thing I did really get from the hospital stay.... There's a lot of stuff in life that's important. But, most of it is UNimportant. You learn, deeply, what matters. You learn to reach out for that and hold on to it. That matters. All that other crap? Doesn't matter.
But in I went. And it was not fun. I was in the hospital for 5 days. They removed a largish tumor from the bladder, put me on a drip, added a catheter. I began a recovery process that was, to say the least, memorable. I wound up with something called 'ilius', a condition fairly common in patients who get full anesthesia, whereby your entire intestinal and digestive system simply go to sleep. This is a miserable fucking experience. You blow up like a balloon. You have to walk to "wake it up". You stop eating real food. When things do start happening, which for me was SLOW, the results are not fun either. Let's just say that I was thinking that all that methane? Mighta helped alleviate the energy crisis. I did begin to pull out of this, but that was after a serious nose dive into a black hole - I was really wanting a DNR, and they finally sent in an advocate who talked me off the ledge. Over the 5 days, I did recover, but it was hard. I would up also with a really painful area in my left groin, sort of like having a knife shoved in there. IT's now numb, and feels like a cut, but isn't. It's very disconcerting, to say the least.
And I did, obviously, survive that hospital stay.
I now have 6 chemo treatments coming up. Then I have a recheck (they drive yet ANOTHER school bus up my peepee and look around!) in June or July. The prognosis seems to be good now, but this will be a lifelong thing for me. I've also realized that, among the options for more serious cases in which, well, it gets nasty, I have decided I will not go to that extreme. When the body is that far gone - it's time. I'm not there now, and may never be, but this experience does cause some deep reflection.
The emotional fallout is really hard too. I was really taken aback when X was the person who figured out I needed serious help and called in the advocate. She was impressive and sat with me the whole next day. I also got wonderful support from others- CPG, BTB, Bro, Sis, -and all of that is deeply felt. The odd part about the emotional stuff, though, started after it was over.
It's not uncommon either. I feel defective. Damaged. Broken. There is no scar, but my head is not clear on this at all. I'm only missing "sick" parts of me, but I feel like I lost something larger. I was really scared about sex, and that whole part of my self-identification fell apart. It's only now beginning to recover.
I've since had conversations with sis (breast cancer survivor), a dear friend (wife survived Hodgkins AND breast cancer) and found that this post operative emotional scarring is common. It was really powerful to get to know my sister on that level - I'd know about her cancer, of course, but not about the post stuff, the numbness, the feeling of being broken. It's really odd and at times I feel I am coming apart, that life is over, why bother.
Then I have some good conversation, or a hug or a kiss and feel a little more whole again. It's hard all around. I don't want to be a burden to others. And I sure don't want pity per se. But I also know I need emotional support, and getting it is maybe more important than anything. It helps me normalize my life again, it is an outlet for odd, new feelings.
To the many in my life who have touched me: thank you. It's been a powerful healing process.
I'm not done with this. But at least for now, I seem to be ahead of it.
And one thing I did really get from the hospital stay.... There's a lot of stuff in life that's important. But, most of it is UNimportant. You learn, deeply, what matters. You learn to reach out for that and hold on to it. That matters. All that other crap? Doesn't matter.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Sighing
Like leaves. In the cold grey sky.
Honestly, I sometimes wish I had not fallen quite so far, so deep in love. It can hurt. It can be happy, sad, crazy, silly, mad.
And the power of the moment can carry me forward, even as I despair about the future.
Makes no sense.
Honestly, I sometimes wish I had not fallen quite so far, so deep in love. It can hurt. It can be happy, sad, crazy, silly, mad.
And the power of the moment can carry me forward, even as I despair about the future.
Makes no sense.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Something luscious this way comes
There's something particularly wonderful about waking up to a warmth of covers. It's not so cold (yet!) that my bits are frozen, just chilly enough so that the blankets envelop me in a kind of semi-sleepy haze. The wonderfully erotic charge that happens when wakening enhances the moments. I don't want to get out of bed - this is too nice.
The chance to touch, feel, energize - it's all good.
More, please, sir?
The chance to touch, feel, energize - it's all good.
More, please, sir?
Monday, March 03, 2008
The ________ cometh
(Not having the proper term, I used _ to denote something - it ain't the iceman!)
Funny. As I get closer to Winterfire, I am more at peace about it all. Increased levels of experience seem to be behind it, as well as a newly found sense of self that lets me be ok with the way I am. Non-standard is not bad - it cvan be a positive thing.
Funny. As I get closer to Winterfire, I am more at peace about it all. Increased levels of experience seem to be behind it, as well as a newly found sense of self that lets me be ok with the way I am. Non-standard is not bad - it cvan be a positive thing.
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