It feels so... defunct. But so many do - live in the past. No more. (well, I vow, but reality can take a different tack...)
It used to be a problem - yep, my own woids! Who'd a thunk it? But it feels like that is not the case now. It's not a problem, it just is the way it is. I am that dual/bi whatevered person.
Consider: you go to a therapist (many do) to figure it out. "Doctor. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like a girl and a boy?"
Doctor: "You have Gender dysphoria."
And there it is. You have a disease. Normality is confined to non-diseased bodies. Since others have determined that in fact, what you feel is somehow, well, not "normal", it must be categorized placed in a box, put on paper and placed neatly into the taxonomy.
[Footnote: I wonder how things would look had the taxonomic reality of things, medicine in particular, had been arranged by Borges?]
What if, instead, the "profession" simply said "you're different"?
Leave aside the money and institution questions. How many lives might be saved THAT way?
My TIC session will, I hope, address that.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Camp!
I am so looking forward to this year.
It is a time of change for me in a lot of ways, some very deep. Open Heart, Open Mind is more than a mantra - it pulls me out of the ditch.
The opportunity to so fully enjoy my genderbend is exhilirating!
It is a time of change for me in a lot of ways, some very deep. Open Heart, Open Mind is more than a mantra - it pulls me out of the ditch.
The opportunity to so fully enjoy my genderbend is exhilirating!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Safe Space
Others have reflected on this.
I missed the Spring Fire, but am planning the fall.
Last year was amazing, but one aspect of it I managed to overlook was echoed brilliantly by another attendee (a very good friend, totally hot, totally not available). She said: the amazing thing about DO camp is that it is truly a "safe space". I knew that, but I don't think I appreciated the depth of that until recently.
It is there one can really, truly, let it out. It has taken me how many years there to recognize this?? But it is true.
And one of my goals this year at camp is to do what I can to help new attendees recognize that. Dunno how, but I wanna try...
I missed the Spring Fire, but am planning the fall.
Last year was amazing, but one aspect of it I managed to overlook was echoed brilliantly by another attendee (a very good friend, totally hot, totally not available). She said: the amazing thing about DO camp is that it is truly a "safe space". I knew that, but I don't think I appreciated the depth of that until recently.
It is there one can really, truly, let it out. It has taken me how many years there to recognize this?? But it is true.
And one of my goals this year at camp is to do what I can to help new attendees recognize that. Dunno how, but I wanna try...
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Fucking
First this classic road sign:
Then this companion article:
Makes ya kinda wanna go ta Germany doesn't it?
Then this companion article:
Makes ya kinda wanna go ta Germany doesn't it?
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Sex the halls
It almost feels like a joke at times. The walk down the hall is dripping with sexuality. Of course, the fact that I have great legs, seriously the kind of “come fuck me” legs, helps (well, it helps ME ☺). But if feels like a kind of Satyricon satire: “I’m displaying sex. You can’t see it! Ha ha.”.
Does the politics of the body or of public self or of the sexual self suggest I should step further out? I tend to think not – public spectacle is sanctioned in specific ways, of course. And so stepping in to a public sex that is obvious invites retribution at some level.
But the feint humor is there!
Does the politics of the body or of public self or of the sexual self suggest I should step further out? I tend to think not – public spectacle is sanctioned in specific ways, of course. And so stepping in to a public sex that is obvious invites retribution at some level.
But the feint humor is there!
Duality
(Fuck - the whold damn thing toasted due to browser and spell check)
A reconstructed memory from a failed entry (fucking spell checkers – I should have known!)
The entire male-female thing is a serious growth and discovery area for me. Certainly, I did not expect to find that as I did at camp, but it was there.
We exist as this odd binary: male OR female, not both, not neither. Challenges to this kind of authority are more common but still not codified in formal areas (law, commerce, governance). Step beyond this – you are currently on your own. This same duality is a mandate: be one or the other, not both. Conform. Fit in. Dress, speak, act, walk, fuck the part.
The duality of it all is a challenge. Even in a social aggregate where there are more than two – whether Hijra or Two Spirit, the predominance of the binary split that happens largely on biological lines is obvious. For cases that accept, even cultivate it, the recognition of the self as presented this way is still glued to the simple biological reality: gotta make more. And it can be that simple. “There are no rules, everything is made up”. Speaks true in culture as process, I think. Goffman’s Presentation of Self holds true to the extent that we can “get away with it”.
But for me, it is often a conundrum. From the tentative and often fearful experiments at 18, to now – that is serious progress. The self presents differently now, even among family and friends. There is still quite a lot of fear, but that is changing, albeit slowly. The kitschy jewelry and the erotics of body care are manifest to those who care to look, and that may be part of the oddity for me at least – the voluntary nature of it. You have to decide to look – it doesn’t slap you around the way others sometimes do (I understand they have to do that, but they surely recognize the sometimes confrontational nature of this act). I wonder often “does anyone see?”. Fear plays a role there, surely, especially with colleagues or family as-yet-unrevealed-to. But public? Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
And the discoveries at camp were quite amazing. Male encounters lead inevitably to a surge in sex energy: great erections, strong body, good physical strength (I surprised myself!). Female encounters were much deeper, not “prick centered” (hah I like that!), with a real internal flow that demanded a different kind of filling. And it was all validated from feedback, so I am quite certain it is not imagined. The hard cock in another mouth, the admired body and strength pumping in and out standing up or prone all to an audience. The pumping in and out on all fours, getting fucked deeply and pumped hard until I extracted the energy and it fell out onto the floor as a pained reply. And it was all at the same time, making it even more complicated.
One nice bennie to this: the little demon on the shoulder is calm, still jumping up and down, but not really demanding the same kind of attention as before. No doubt he will hang around, but I wonder (and note the gender referent to him here) if that is only the male energy. What manifestation is the female energy?
There is a distance to go with this.
A reconstructed memory from a failed entry (fucking spell checkers – I should have known!)
The entire male-female thing is a serious growth and discovery area for me. Certainly, I did not expect to find that as I did at camp, but it was there.
We exist as this odd binary: male OR female, not both, not neither. Challenges to this kind of authority are more common but still not codified in formal areas (law, commerce, governance). Step beyond this – you are currently on your own. This same duality is a mandate: be one or the other, not both. Conform. Fit in. Dress, speak, act, walk, fuck the part.
The duality of it all is a challenge. Even in a social aggregate where there are more than two – whether Hijra or Two Spirit, the predominance of the binary split that happens largely on biological lines is obvious. For cases that accept, even cultivate it, the recognition of the self as presented this way is still glued to the simple biological reality: gotta make more. And it can be that simple. “There are no rules, everything is made up”. Speaks true in culture as process, I think. Goffman’s Presentation of Self holds true to the extent that we can “get away with it”.
But for me, it is often a conundrum. From the tentative and often fearful experiments at 18, to now – that is serious progress. The self presents differently now, even among family and friends. There is still quite a lot of fear, but that is changing, albeit slowly. The kitschy jewelry and the erotics of body care are manifest to those who care to look, and that may be part of the oddity for me at least – the voluntary nature of it. You have to decide to look – it doesn’t slap you around the way others sometimes do (I understand they have to do that, but they surely recognize the sometimes confrontational nature of this act). I wonder often “does anyone see?”. Fear plays a role there, surely, especially with colleagues or family as-yet-unrevealed-to. But public? Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
And the discoveries at camp were quite amazing. Male encounters lead inevitably to a surge in sex energy: great erections, strong body, good physical strength (I surprised myself!). Female encounters were much deeper, not “prick centered” (hah I like that!), with a real internal flow that demanded a different kind of filling. And it was all validated from feedback, so I am quite certain it is not imagined. The hard cock in another mouth, the admired body and strength pumping in and out standing up or prone all to an audience. The pumping in and out on all fours, getting fucked deeply and pumped hard until I extracted the energy and it fell out onto the floor as a pained reply. And it was all at the same time, making it even more complicated.
One nice bennie to this: the little demon on the shoulder is calm, still jumping up and down, but not really demanding the same kind of attention as before. No doubt he will hang around, but I wonder (and note the gender referent to him here) if that is only the male energy. What manifestation is the female energy?
There is a distance to go with this.
Friday, September 22, 2006
camp highlights
Guess this is on my mind.
Highlights:
Not one, but TWO good thumpings!
The first was from a totally gorgeous woman whom I actually ASKED after she mentioned her double. What a treat. I felt totally out of place on this - me? Get what I ask for? From someone FAR more versed in this? Why not the "go fuck yerself" reply? No idea. But it was really nice. I regretted being as tired as I was, and having to make myself go to bed and sleep to teach the next day, cuz I would have kept right on. (I my get brave and try and co-cabin with this group next year...they are all pretty goddamm hot).
the second a spontaneous invite from my mentor MC. It too was good. She asked me - postscript - "describe your emotions". That will take some work. Feelings? Easy. Emotions? Hmmm. But man, that was one BIG cock I took in, ALL the way in. And I think the screaming and smashing my hand against the floor (all with an audience I guess) was as close as I have ever come to really truly letting it go. And clearly done with both MC (very experienced) and the other woman who is totally experienced. I am in her league???
A totally hot guy
I really REALLY wanted to fuck him. But I had no way to ask. No way to push past the little me and say "Man, you are hot." A lesson somewhere I think. I did get a good intro to him via a class - I just wanted that to keep going and then to do more. What I wimp I am. SO now I am planning somehow to do something with movement next year - I have this piece of music - I burn with this it almost scares me - and I am hoping beyond hope he will be up there on stage doing this with me. Scary.
A totally hot girl.
I mean seriously. She has been to all the camps I have been to. She led some amazing sessions. And she is so totally beyond my league. Another lesson, I think: SPEAK UP you wimp! But I can't, at least not for her. Crap. I even tried tossing hints around to others hoping there'd be this Cap'n J Smith thing - what a dork. But I guess I can imagine it.
Good classes.
I taught good sessions. All of them were good. And the thing I really like is the stories that emerge - they are so amazing. So many people hurt so much. How can that be? But they do. And I really do think a few people got something deep and useful and meaningful from them all. That's all it takes. And in at least one case, I know that the person said he got a lot from it. And that showed by the really good, connecting conversations he and I had. That alone is worth it all for me. If I can't bring anything to anyone, I shouldn't be there.
First (and second) flogging.
A truly cathartic release. I wanted it HARD. And she delivered. First time - that was good. No permanent marks. I felt that tingle for 24 hours. And the second was as good, in as much as it happened while I was being fucked AND sucked - can't complain there.
Strap-on.
Me wierdo. Yes, I DO like USING a strap on. A guy? What is THAT about? Fuck em if they can't take a joke. Yes, I did get to use it. Both dills too. And, she asked me (Ok, I had to direct that invite to the strap on...). That was one sweat session. I mean really pounding. And the odd part is she was a sub - I did not quite appreciate that at the outset, so it got interesting when she asked for the real bits and I said no, I really liked it like this. Well, so did she. And we really had at it. Nice.
Self.
I wore what I wanted, when I wanted. This was a really nice part of being here again - the real me (well, the one others see and certainly one I feel a lot of) out on display and no one gave a shit. Nice. and it let me connect with that well. A bummer there was no really nice environs to shave - such a charge there. It is camp after all, but still.
Breath.
A remarkable catharsis in the session on the fire breath orgasm. I noticed an hour later - no back pain! What a gift. I have the instrucciones, will use THAT again.
And similarly, the Sex Magic time. That uncanny connection between lower back and "lack". It fits., like a glove (or a condom!). But what precisely do I lack? It is easy to slide downhill into "looks" or "talent" (sex talent) or "self confidence". But is it so simple? I think I have processed this one the most.
Kanga.
(A pseudonym). Shit. I am really going to miss him a LOT. His rotation is done. He was clearly a key part of my first camp. It sucks he is going so far away. Not fair. Can I plot to get to DC and visit? Odd - we connect at a certain level. But no sex. Huh? I'd like to play with him and his wife - but again.... Eeyore wins. Shit that he is gone. I saw him as a doorway (although I was sorely disappointed that the one wish I thought would happen did not!)
Song heart.
Powerful re-meeting with last year's grief (thx to HB for that observation). I knew it might happen. Had really nice picking times on the porch, esp b4 camp filled up. (Let's face it, a really REALLY good picking time is MUCH better than sex!) But it was a surprise when it arrived. I knew I was overtired. I thought to myself I should NOT sing this. But I did. And that sweet fellow S was sitting quietly and listening. And I totally lost it on verse 3 - started wailing and crying and decided "fuck the drama ban. I NEED to let this out, esp HERE". So I did. S listened. I really expected 2 things to happen: that he would get up and walk away. That someone from my "friendly" cabin (hah!) would come out and TELL me "Get a life Drama asshole". (I think my cabin was empty). S was REALLY nice. I dumped it all out - and it felt good. I don't think this is over. But I think this went a long way to a resolution. Then I went on a whim to wrestle, b/c I knew I had a ton of internal energy.
Wrestling.
This was FUN. I surprised myself. I was a lot stronger than I thought I was! And it was totally fun nude wrestling with another hottie, esp when he had to submit :) I think if this had gone on, I would have fucked every guy there or been done by any willing woman standing there with a nice hard strap-on dick. It was grand... except it ended prematurely with an injury. I was devastated. Not ONLY was it over, but the one person I thought was totally a hunk, someone I really wanted to connect to (physically as well as mentally) was out of the running. Of course, the Stupid Nurturing Me (c)(tm) then assumed "That's it for him. I certainly can't burden him with some seduction request now. Go hide". I am hoping next year will work - nude olive oil wrestling - that has to be one of my oldest fantasies!
Ritual.
There she was. Shit, a fucking goddess. Off limits for me, for sure. A good ritual - she knows what to do. And I really did not expect to have a list. I knew WHAT it was (it was a who) but not how. The breath? So I found it at the last second, and burned it. I realize now how good that felt. And how it helps me REMEMBER to let that go.
Lowlights
Cabin.
MC is sweet. I love her, and really like her mentoring and patience. But her friends... they are TOTALLY weird. Cold. Why is that? I really do NOT think that was me at all. They just did not want anything to do with me. Well, in fairness, MC's friend was actually very pleasant, and even seemed to like my music. But those other 4? Man. I anticipated one, from the previous camps, but sheesh-o-rama. I need warm and fun and happy and friendly - EHHH. None of the above. Who made them so cold? How sad. So next year I will try and do this differently. I really want warm laughing fun people, not cold, angry withdrawn egos.
Food.
Sigh.
Weather.
Sigh.
Driving 9 hours.
Sigh.
My own fucked up self image.
Highlights:
Not one, but TWO good thumpings!
The first was from a totally gorgeous woman whom I actually ASKED after she mentioned her double. What a treat. I felt totally out of place on this - me? Get what I ask for? From someone FAR more versed in this? Why not the "go fuck yerself" reply? No idea. But it was really nice. I regretted being as tired as I was, and having to make myself go to bed and sleep to teach the next day, cuz I would have kept right on. (I my get brave and try and co-cabin with this group next year...they are all pretty goddamm hot).
the second a spontaneous invite from my mentor MC. It too was good. She asked me - postscript - "describe your emotions". That will take some work. Feelings? Easy. Emotions? Hmmm. But man, that was one BIG cock I took in, ALL the way in. And I think the screaming and smashing my hand against the floor (all with an audience I guess) was as close as I have ever come to really truly letting it go. And clearly done with both MC (very experienced) and the other woman who is totally experienced. I am in her league???
A totally hot guy
I really REALLY wanted to fuck him. But I had no way to ask. No way to push past the little me and say "Man, you are hot." A lesson somewhere I think. I did get a good intro to him via a class - I just wanted that to keep going and then to do more. What I wimp I am. SO now I am planning somehow to do something with movement next year - I have this piece of music - I burn with this it almost scares me - and I am hoping beyond hope he will be up there on stage doing this with me. Scary.
A totally hot girl.
I mean seriously. She has been to all the camps I have been to. She led some amazing sessions. And she is so totally beyond my league. Another lesson, I think: SPEAK UP you wimp! But I can't, at least not for her. Crap. I even tried tossing hints around to others hoping there'd be this Cap'n J Smith thing - what a dork. But I guess I can imagine it.
Good classes.
I taught good sessions. All of them were good. And the thing I really like is the stories that emerge - they are so amazing. So many people hurt so much. How can that be? But they do. And I really do think a few people got something deep and useful and meaningful from them all. That's all it takes. And in at least one case, I know that the person said he got a lot from it. And that showed by the really good, connecting conversations he and I had. That alone is worth it all for me. If I can't bring anything to anyone, I shouldn't be there.
First (and second) flogging.
A truly cathartic release. I wanted it HARD. And she delivered. First time - that was good. No permanent marks. I felt that tingle for 24 hours. And the second was as good, in as much as it happened while I was being fucked AND sucked - can't complain there.
Strap-on.
Me wierdo. Yes, I DO like USING a strap on. A guy? What is THAT about? Fuck em if they can't take a joke. Yes, I did get to use it. Both dills too. And, she asked me (Ok, I had to direct that invite to the strap on...). That was one sweat session. I mean really pounding. And the odd part is she was a sub - I did not quite appreciate that at the outset, so it got interesting when she asked for the real bits and I said no, I really liked it like this. Well, so did she. And we really had at it. Nice.
Self.
I wore what I wanted, when I wanted. This was a really nice part of being here again - the real me (well, the one others see and certainly one I feel a lot of) out on display and no one gave a shit. Nice. and it let me connect with that well. A bummer there was no really nice environs to shave - such a charge there. It is camp after all, but still.
Breath.
A remarkable catharsis in the session on the fire breath orgasm. I noticed an hour later - no back pain! What a gift. I have the instrucciones, will use THAT again.
And similarly, the Sex Magic time. That uncanny connection between lower back and "lack". It fits., like a glove (or a condom!). But what precisely do I lack? It is easy to slide downhill into "looks" or "talent" (sex talent) or "self confidence". But is it so simple? I think I have processed this one the most.
Kanga.
(A pseudonym). Shit. I am really going to miss him a LOT. His rotation is done. He was clearly a key part of my first camp. It sucks he is going so far away. Not fair. Can I plot to get to DC and visit? Odd - we connect at a certain level. But no sex. Huh? I'd like to play with him and his wife - but again.... Eeyore wins. Shit that he is gone. I saw him as a doorway (although I was sorely disappointed that the one wish I thought would happen did not!)
Song heart.
Powerful re-meeting with last year's grief (thx to HB for that observation). I knew it might happen. Had really nice picking times on the porch, esp b4 camp filled up. (Let's face it, a really REALLY good picking time is MUCH better than sex!) But it was a surprise when it arrived. I knew I was overtired. I thought to myself I should NOT sing this. But I did. And that sweet fellow S was sitting quietly and listening. And I totally lost it on verse 3 - started wailing and crying and decided "fuck the drama ban. I NEED to let this out, esp HERE". So I did. S listened. I really expected 2 things to happen: that he would get up and walk away. That someone from my "friendly" cabin (hah!) would come out and TELL me "Get a life Drama asshole". (I think my cabin was empty). S was REALLY nice. I dumped it all out - and it felt good. I don't think this is over. But I think this went a long way to a resolution. Then I went on a whim to wrestle, b/c I knew I had a ton of internal energy.
Wrestling.
This was FUN. I surprised myself. I was a lot stronger than I thought I was! And it was totally fun nude wrestling with another hottie, esp when he had to submit :) I think if this had gone on, I would have fucked every guy there or been done by any willing woman standing there with a nice hard strap-on dick. It was grand... except it ended prematurely with an injury. I was devastated. Not ONLY was it over, but the one person I thought was totally a hunk, someone I really wanted to connect to (physically as well as mentally) was out of the running. Of course, the Stupid Nurturing Me (c)(tm) then assumed "That's it for him. I certainly can't burden him with some seduction request now. Go hide". I am hoping next year will work - nude olive oil wrestling - that has to be one of my oldest fantasies!
Ritual.
There she was. Shit, a fucking goddess. Off limits for me, for sure. A good ritual - she knows what to do. And I really did not expect to have a list. I knew WHAT it was (it was a who) but not how. The breath? So I found it at the last second, and burned it. I realize now how good that felt. And how it helps me REMEMBER to let that go.
Lowlights
Cabin.
MC is sweet. I love her, and really like her mentoring and patience. But her friends... they are TOTALLY weird. Cold. Why is that? I really do NOT think that was me at all. They just did not want anything to do with me. Well, in fairness, MC's friend was actually very pleasant, and even seemed to like my music. But those other 4? Man. I anticipated one, from the previous camps, but sheesh-o-rama. I need warm and fun and happy and friendly - EHHH. None of the above. Who made them so cold? How sad. So next year I will try and do this differently. I really want warm laughing fun people, not cold, angry withdrawn egos.
Food.
Sigh.
Weather.
Sigh.
Driving 9 hours.
Sigh.
My own fucked up self image.
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