Reflections

It's been a really bumpy month. Following a really nice visit with my sister right after Christmas, I returned and got hammered by a flu. In very short order thereafter, I then wound up getting results from a doctor visit that were not so fun: I have bladder cancer. He insisted on doing the surgical stuff right away - which wound up being immediately prior to an already planned and paid for visit to my brother.

But in I went. And it was not fun. I was in the hospital for 5 days. They removed a largish tumor from the bladder, put me on a drip, added a catheter. I began a recovery process that was, to say the least, memorable. I wound up with something called 'ilius', a condition fairly common in patients who get full anesthesia, whereby your entire intestinal and digestive system simply go to sleep. This is a miserable fucking experience. You blow up like a balloon. You have to walk to "wake it up". You stop eating real food. When things do start happening, which for me was SLOW, the results are not fun either. Let's just say that I was thinking that all that methane? Mighta helped alleviate the energy crisis. I did begin to pull out of this, but that was after a serious nose dive into a black hole - I was really wanting a DNR, and they finally sent in an advocate who talked me off the ledge. Over the 5 days, I did recover, but it was hard. I would up also with a really painful area in my left groin, sort of like having a knife shoved in there. IT's now numb, and feels like a cut, but isn't. It's very disconcerting, to say the least.

And I did, obviously, survive that hospital stay.

I now have 6 chemo treatments coming up. Then I have a recheck (they drive yet ANOTHER school bus up my peepee and look around!) in June or July. The prognosis seems to be good now, but this will be a lifelong thing for me. I've also realized that, among the options for more serious cases in which, well, it gets nasty, I have decided I will not go to that extreme. When the body is that far gone - it's time. I'm not there now, and may never be, but this experience does cause some deep reflection.

The emotional fallout is really hard too. I was really taken aback when X was the person who figured out I needed serious help and called in the advocate. She was impressive and sat with me the whole next day. I also got wonderful support from others- CPG, BTB, Bro, Sis, -and all of that is deeply felt. The odd part about the emotional stuff, though, started after it was over.

It's not uncommon either. I feel defective. Damaged. Broken. There is no scar, but my head is not clear on this at all. I'm only missing "sick" parts of me, but I feel like I lost something larger. I was really scared about sex, and that whole part of my self-identification fell apart. It's only now beginning to recover.

I've since had conversations with sis (breast cancer survivor), a dear friend (wife survived Hodgkins AND breast cancer) and found that this post operative emotional scarring is common. It was really powerful to get to know my sister on that level - I'd know about her cancer, of course, but not about the post stuff, the numbness, the feeling of being broken. It's really odd and at times I feel I am coming apart, that life is over, why bother.

Then I have some good conversation, or a hug or a kiss and feel a little more whole again. It's hard all around. I don't want to be a burden to others. And I sure don't want pity per se. But I also know I need emotional support, and getting it is maybe more important than anything. It helps me normalize my life again, it is an outlet for odd, new feelings.

To the many in my life who have touched me: thank you. It's been a powerful healing process.

I'm not done with this. But at least for now, I seem to be ahead of it.

And one thing I did really get from the hospital stay.... There's a lot of stuff in life that's important. But, most of it is UNimportant. You learn, deeply, what matters. You learn to reach out for that and hold on to it. That matters. All that other crap? Doesn't matter.

Sighing

Like leaves. In the cold grey sky.

Honestly, I sometimes wish I had not fallen quite so far, so deep in love. It can hurt. It can be happy, sad, crazy, silly, mad.

And the power of the moment can carry me forward, even as I despair about the future.

Makes no sense.

Something luscious this way comes

There's something particularly wonderful about waking up to a warmth of covers. It's not so cold (yet!) that my bits are frozen, just chilly enough so that the blankets envelop me in a kind of semi-sleepy haze. The wonderfully erotic charge that happens when wakening enhances the moments. I don't want to get out of bed - this is too nice.

The chance to touch, feel, energize - it's all good.

More, please, sir?

The ________ cometh

(Not having the proper term, I used _ to denote something - it ain't the iceman!)

Funny. As I get closer to Winterfire, I am more at peace about it all. Increased levels of experience seem to be behind it, as well as a newly found sense of self that lets me be ok with the way I am. Non-standard is not bad - it cvan be a positive thing.

Surrender

There is a special kind of joy in a complete surrender. This feels new to me. It gives up a bliss that is strange and powerful, and I think I can find this in other venues too. It's more, much more, than endorphin release. It reaches me deeply, and the strength of the energy flow I get from this is nothing less than amazing.

I'd hazard a guess that a similar kind of surrender, properly negotiated and set up as a scene, could bring a similar flow. That's something to shoot for this time.

Anticipay-yay-shun

...is making me crazy.

Winterfire approacheth.

I am getting the odd edgy feeling.

Have set one good wax date. Maybe have a bottom date - a really strong flogging or caning would be nice RIGHT NOW. Might even have a fire date - ah, memories of the pool abound, and that scar is still part of the body landscape!

I'm thinking I want to go out on the ledge, seriously out. The link between high endorphins and state of mind past sex is of interest.

Hot Wax

I learned that self administered hot wax is not only fun, but practical to do.

A three hour photo shoot led to a conclusion of a very amazing hot wax series. My gear, her camera.

The main issue was being able to safely pour from the right height and knowing where I was about to hit! That was tricky - and I think that if I do something like it again (I want to, as this was the end of a pretty long hard process, and I was not so good at that point at getting and maintaining a really good erection - just too physically tired! Addin gthat in would be really amazing) Other than that, it is doable.

And practical to give a full waxing to an upright body, excepting the issue of breasts and how to ensure even flow underneath same. No simple solution there. But it DOES mean I can administer this to a dear friend who asked me for this delight! Mmm mm.

But, ooh la la! Hot Wax is golden for euphoric highs.