Dark Odyssey 2007

Camp has now come and gone (sigh)

As in years past, it was everything I expected and nothing like I expected.

As in years past, everything shifted. I went with expectations. As soon as I arrived, those shifted, as they have every year... But this year the shift was dramatic.

First gear. So much of my time there this year was, unfortunately, built around pain management - physical (lower back) and mental/emotional (becoming "unmarried" after so long). The physical part was just a drag - EVERY damned thing had to be "arranged" around how much it hurt - fuck! Not fun. I felt better over time, but still....

The emotional - what can one say?

But the shift was pretty amazing.

I went, this year, with a kind of peculiar mood (duh - wonder why that!) and a kind of offsetting determination to fuck everything (literally and figuratively). That immediately shifted. Instead, I wound up - quickly - in a space of wanting to connect with everything and everyone I could.

That need for connect superseded the physical "big bang" theory. I was blessed, TRULY blessed, to participate in a Tantric event first thing - Barbara Carellas' 'Erotic Awakening Massage' from her amazing and accessible book 'Urban Tantra'. I had asked her how I could learn this as a giver skill and she responded by putting me in the hot-seat - be the model or the recipient. Thus, learning really happened! And man what a process.

The entire experience os one of understanding the crucial difference between being a giver and being a receiver. When one is either one of these things, it is essential to be FULLY that role, to be fully present, but not in a concessionary way, to the energy at hand. The Erotic Awakening MAssage is not at all about the usual orgasm. It is an hour long (or longer) process that egins by "waking up the neighborhood", and then proceeding to develop the sexual energy of the recipient, moving that energy around. It "climaxes" in the 'Clench and Hold'. Breath and breathing are an ESSENTIAL skill here, and one of the things I cannot overstate about her book is how breath plays into, AND becomes practical on a minute-by-minute basis, this process. I can't say enough about what an amazing experience this was for me.

This really pumped up the internal river, that amazing torrent of sexual energy that, when it is really going, just FLOWS through the whole body like an electric current. I wept openly at the end of this (the Clench and Hold) and it was entirely unexpected, and amazingly powerful.

My goal for the year ahead is to develop this more, to learn to be a complete giver of this same experience AND to have that SAME river run when I am giving it. With luck, next year will bring an even greater dimension to this practice.

So it went. The change from "Fuck" to "Connect" threaded the whole 5 days. I felt I wasn't working so hard to avoid the "Great Maw" that frequently plagues me in this kind of situation.

Exception: Cuddle Party
The odd exception to all of this hit the first night - the Cuddle Party. Itself a pretty wonderful event and a nice concept - it requires us to drop the sexual interaction part and instead look at connections through simpler means. The facilitators were wonderful (and hot too!) and guided a large group along the path. I thought I was doing fine until... I realized I felt very blocked. Now for someone like me who is generally very public about sex and feelings (too public at times :) ) this was really weird. I spent almost 40 minutes talking through this with one of the facilitators who really did a great job of inching me off of the ledge. I moved through it and wound up with some nice connection. But in retrospect, it was a bit unsettling to have this happen at all. It feels like it was somehow connected to something pretty old in me - school? I don't know, really. But, like all else at camp, it was a lesson.

Orientation sessions
I was privileged to give the Camp Orientation sessions this year - what a blast. I felt last year that I really wanted to all I could to help newcomers. I remember that feeling of fear my first time - so off I went.

Session 1 was a surprise. One person had already had an experience that left them feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable, clearly not a fun thing. I did all I could to talk through that, and I think it still needed some more exchange, and that apparently happened. The idea of SC being a really safe space is crucial for me, so I took the lessons from that to the next session.

The other two sessions were great. New attendees had good questions, and really good ideas about a few aspects I didn't frame as clearly as I might have. And the last session was a lot of fun as several of the attendees matched and exceeded my own sense of humor!

Body Beautiful - self image
Once again, my opening workshop proved to be a wonderful encounter. The kinds of experiences and ways that individuals experience their own bodies and how all of that impacts their self-image is amazing, sometimes heartrending. It draws me more and more to any chance to be part of any process that relieves that kind of individual pain. We live and are raised in a pretty screwed up social network - why on earth should ANYone have to endure themselves this way?

Yoga and pain
Too much of my time this year was spent dealing with my own physical pain, which at times was really bad. Back injuries will do that to you! But one thing I did manage to do was attend the wonderful Yoga classes. The couple running them are good Yoga teachers, and wonderful people to boot. I let them know I had this #### issue and they helped me work through it. Well, I managed at each session to find several positions that felt AMAZINGLY good - that sense of relief was such a gift, even if only for a moment or two. This is a great addition to camp!

More Erotic Awakening - empath or crazy???
If anyone had told me that the Erotic Awakening massage could have gotten more powerful after my Thursday demo experience, I would have thought they were total optimists! But I was really kind of floored by what happened on the second one, where I was simply part of the audience, while a woman was the demo. Odd and powerful stuff, this: I realized about 1/2 way through that I was feeling the SAME WAY I felt the day before! I was looking closely at the body response, and sure enough, as she approached the Clench and Hold I really felt a rush. Was I crazy or was it some kind of empathic response? Don't know, don't really care - I do know I plan to embark on a concerted practice here over the next year in hopes of being able to really share this next year at camp with as many as I can find.

Art of Negotiation - I learned I am not a Negotiation Weenie
Oh yeah. Walked into this session with a strong sense of "I am the case study of who should NOT go to this workshop". And when the first comment from the presenter was "I assume you all are experienced in negotiation" I felt maybe .5 cm tall! But... She guided us through the process with a series of exercises that led me to recognize parts of me I didn't even know were there. And that led in turn to my negotiating a session on knife play, something I had never bottomed for nor even considered. Amazing, and it left me very impressed with the presenter's credential.

Chatting with old friends
Of course, catching up with old friends is real treasure - it's just that there never seems to be enough time for it!

How Fri events were tempered by the shift from physical to non-physical
After the days sessions on Friday, I realized I was starting to get this different sense of being there. It took a little while to get in touch with it, but was a big reward for the entire camp experience. I'm still working through this, but the essence of it is that the deep pleasure I find in all of this play is less a physical sense than it is a kind of internal/mental thing. The physical is there, to be sure, but it is no longer the demanding :fuck me" process that I think captures as early on and never really let's us go. Is this the civilian divide? I don't even have a good word for it, I just "feel" it. And I really DON'T like the artsy-fartsy stuff or the NewAgey-isms. That's never been part of me at all, but here it is. Why the shift? Feels like the result of the experience of having to confront my own internal energy without that prompting of the hard physical. It is less about wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am (apologies to David Bowie) than it is about pumping up the internal energy levels.

So that begs the question: how on earth does one find others who work this way???

Urban Tantra - wow! The eyes DO have it!
And even more of this was ushered in by 'Urban Tantra'. I am hipped on accessibility, and so this book really scored big for me. Lots of Tantra books are out there, and many of them are so convoluted or so "deep" that it is almost a practice of becoming a kind of Tantra Monk to "get" what they have to say. Not so in 'Urban Tantra' - I find myself daily putting little pieces of it into actual living practice,something I have rarely been able to do with other practice outlines. Whew.

Radical Ecstasy - new highs
I followed this path further and dived into something I was totally unsure of: Radical Ecstasy. Co-facilitated, this was also a superbly guided process, which gradually moved the participants into a wonderful energy space. I'd never done clothespins before, and was really taken aback by not only how EASY it was, but how GOOD it felt.

Night in Flames - Second Degree Burns and how to deal with them - quickly!
This too was a new one. The idea - get naked, get doused in alcohol, then lit on fire, then jump (or be pushed!) into the pool. WHAT A RUSH. It was chilly that evening, and alcohol flames do nothing to warm you up. All the heat comes from the powerful endorphin rush - and the tinge of burned hair! :) For me this had a perhaps dramatic end. I apparently took a pretty good hit, and wound up with a fairly serious set of burns on my right leg. The odd part was that a few of these did not even appear until the Monday AFTER I got home! I'm still nursing them to recovery, but I would do this again next year....

Sleep needs
And there is the sleep issue. I knew it going in, and really wanted to try and shift my whole metabolic state around a bit, but the problem is not that shift, it is the mental stuff, the fear about a panic attack at 2 a.m. that really poses a problem. I don't have ay easy solution for that part. I was lucky in one sense. The times I did wake up at 2 were due to back pain and the need to down a painkiller which of course dropped me back off to sleep. Oy.


Border Crossing - again, amazing!
The return of this amazing workshop, co-facilitated by one of the SC organizers and another well known camper, was a welcome return. This session was one of the events I attended at my first DO, and it was again a doozy. It really challenges the sensibilities and assumptions, and forces you to look long and hard at your own baggage. Gender roles and definitions, and your own sense of what feels okay and not okay are severely challenged here. I sensed that many participants were both jolted and relieved by their experience. The area most noticeable for me, of course, was the issue of male-male sexual contact, something that quite clearly a lot of male-identified types at camp ain't up to yet! It's understandable, but unfortunate, and the thing this workshop does is to push your boundaries around. THAT leaves many of these same men wondering, and I think if the only thing that comes of that is a respect for those of us who ARE comfortable with such play, then that in and of itself is a really positive outcome.

Part of me thinks this workshop should be the Orientation session, required for everyone!

Cleansing the Body - a little chilly, but good.
This was again a marvelous connecting point. A slightly smaller number than last year, but a very wonderful combination of wet & warm, sun, air, oil and body. This particular venue seems a really good way to build the river of energy for all. While I love the approach, it is awfully climate dependent.

Play with friends - good energy
I was invited to attend a wax job with a close friend. I acted as the assistant, while he bottomed. It was pretty amazing. Striking how this kind of participation builds that side of me, something I am developing here....

I also had the great fortune to play again with someone I'd met last year and a new friend. Aside from the "Joy of Strap-ons" (which I adore!), I got to introduce someone to the buzz of a the HMW with the Gee Whizzer attachment. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm - pretty much says it. Needless to say, I think their mind was changed. HMW can be mighty intense if taken straight up, no chaser, but mediated through the Gee Whizzer - it's a WHOLE different thing! Yum.

Regrettably, I did not have the chance to delve into the gender aspect of play with them, as we were, well, preoccupied. But I suspect (=really hope!) that the dual gender part will appear again next we meet!


Demo #2: Heart of Glass
I think I have terminal volunteeritis... I jumped at a chance to demo bottom for a Glass Dildo - my oh my! Ruby slippers it ain't. The event itself felt kinda busy - too much in too short a time? But the brief slice I had did expose me (literally) to this wonderful toy. It holds warmth nicely, has the tiniest bit of edginess to it (glass can break, ya know!), and feels absolutely aMAZing doing its thing. Lucky presenter - found it for $40- I think they usually run $100+. Ack. On my list of "I wish..."

Missed play dates...
And more missed play dates... The chance to do knife play was sorely missed. The connection was there, but the timing just didn't work out at all. This would have been a first, and the tops were quite OK with addressing my female energy only, not the male side. Rats and double rats - next time, I hope, for sure.

I also regretted - a lot - that I could not schedule in a play date with a dear friend and mentor - not just once, but twice! How sad is that? Maybe it was me, but this year it felt more frenetic. Was it the increased number of attendees? Dunno. But I want to think out how to lower that freneticism next year.

Pictures as reflections of self
The camp photographer is one of those tricky areas for me. On the one hand, my totally public and occasionally exhibitionist self says "Paparazzi? No Prob - snap away". But I also recognize that the web provides too much space for unintended consequences. Every year, I pause over the photo release, and every year I back off. Not that I have a LOT at stake, and I certainly have a lot of trust in the players *here*. The real problem is the rest of the civilian world, where absconding with or doctoring up something is as common as weeds. Who wants that?

This year I, though, I did partake of a photo op. My keen interest is in the hidden: what can the camera (i.e. the photographer) find and reveal through the image that is not readily apparent on the surface? The answer, it appears, is not much in a short period of time. This speaks to 2 interesting issues. The first is of construction of self - how we imagine ourselves to be and appear versus what is really seen as we move through the social. The second is how distinct and how DEEPLY the visual realities of gender dictate what is seen. While appearance (in dress, primarily) does create an "effect", much of that effect is in our heads. Body motion and movement provides critical clues to the observer, but not enough, it seems, to overwhelm other queues. I was tempted to investigate a more in depth op, but time was again an issue. Next year?


Closing thoughts

DO experience is one of self experience. The "real" Dark Odyssey is not the 24/7 fucking or the Sex-O-Rama, it is the encounter and discovery of the inner self that really matters. The events and activities are, of course, wonderful and fun, but they are tools, and, properly used, lead to a single location. The journey ahead looks totally fascinating. Now I just have to learn to be 100% present. The teachers have appeared. The student is ready.

"Normal"

It is amazing how much we take this word - normal - and all it subsumes for granted. I have been struggling for about 2 weeks now with a really excruciating lower back pain issue. It started, not too surprisingly, with a chain of abuses: schlepping 40 iMacs, lifting a boat engine, and then, surprise, heat. I have never had such excruciating pain (and no, this is not exquisite in ANY sense of the word).

It all leads me to reflect on "normal". Our typical take on this little word seems to invariably draw on notions of the perverse (themselves culturally constructed): "odd" sex practices, deviant behavior, "handicap", and all the rest.

But it is certainly remarkable how quickly we come to appreciate "normal" when the tiniest of everyday things becomes impossible: pick that up off of the floor (can't); sit down and then get up to get the phone (can't without huge pain); "Normal", in these conditions of major pain, quickly becomes something so utterly mundane as to render all of those other "definitions" ridiculous (or perhaps I should say "ricockulous"). If we think of something as normal in terms of what is somehow implicitly thought of and constructed as ABnormal (that's the "bad" stuff mentioned above, remember?), then anything outside of that must then be re-framed as something quite different, something acceptable, even palatable. So, pain that renders one immobile or unable to get up must then be a "condition" - at once acceptable and certainly palatable (thought not by any means desirable from any perspective). Similarly, any "condition" that becomes chronic - eg. anything that might permanently render one in such a state - must be re-framed as "disabled" (politically obsolete), "handicapped" (also politically obsolete, even insulting), or "differently abled". This is NOT to suggest that ANY of that sort of challenge to an individual is somehow "less", but only to frame this exploration of "normal". "Abnormal" is, in a very real sense, anything we are NOT, as long as it is broadly acceptable in a social setting.

But it is when the minutia of daily living pulls us into a state where who we were yesterday is made into "past tense" that "normal" suddenly shifts, and takes on a whole new meaning. We are not "differently able", nor are we "perverse", but rather, severely limited in our capabilities to the extent that the mundane becomes exotic.

Livin' in the past

It feels so... defunct. But so many do - live in the past. No more. (well, I vow, but reality can take a different tack...)

It used to be a problem - yep, my own woids! Who'd a thunk it? But it feels like that is not the case now. It's not a problem, it just is the way it is. I am that dual/bi whatevered person.

Consider: you go to a therapist (many do) to figure it out. "Doctor. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like a girl and a boy?"

Doctor: "You have Gender dysphoria."

And there it is. You have a disease. Normality is confined to non-diseased bodies. Since others have determined that in fact, what you feel is somehow, well, not "normal", it must be categorized placed in a box, put on paper and placed neatly into the taxonomy.

[Footnote: I wonder how things would look had the taxonomic reality of things, medicine in particular, had been arranged by Borges?]

What if, instead, the "profession" simply said "you're different"?

Leave aside the money and institution questions. How many lives might be saved THAT way?

My TIC session will, I hope, address that.

Camp!

I am so looking forward to this year.

It is a time of change for me in a lot of ways, some very deep. Open Heart, Open Mind is more than a mantra - it pulls me out of the ditch.

The opportunity to so fully enjoy my genderbend is exhilirating!

Safe Space

Others have reflected on this.

I missed the Spring Fire, but am planning the fall.

Last year was amazing, but one aspect of it I managed to overlook was echoed brilliantly by another attendee (a very good friend, totally hot, totally not available). She said: the amazing thing about DO camp is that it is truly a "safe space". I knew that, but I don't think I appreciated the depth of that until recently.

It is there one can really, truly, let it out. It has taken me how many years there to recognize this?? But it is true.

And one of my goals this year at camp is to do what I can to help new attendees recognize that. Dunno how, but I wanna try...